This is late to be a Valentine's Day post at the time that I write/post this, but happy Heart Day anyway! As I share with you some of my two cents enjoy some heart-shaped jelly beans (photo by the lovely miss Stella Sophia from unsplash, thank you!)!

This question has been ping-ponging around in my head for a while. If you’re also an ENFP, like me, you probably know what I mean. It’s almost dizzying, considering all these perspectives! It’s like a fun, loopy carnival ride that I can’t stop going on, over and over.

I gotta be careful with the word should.

Do I know lickedy-split about marriage? 

Kinda. (And by kinda, I mean, not really. I’ve read a lot of articles and a few books about it but that’s it.)

Have I ever even been married? Nope.

So clearly, I can talk about this with lots knowledge and experience on the subject…

Being the Extrovert Who's Attracted to Introverts

Maybe, like me, you have found yourself attracted to introverts, even though you’re technically an extrovert. Much as us extroverts are encouraged to find ourselves an introvert to "balance us out," being married to an introvert means a lot of things. For some, it means balance, while for others, it means forever being told to "calm down" and "quiet down" and many other forms of basically having to deal with a person who does not want to have any sort of balance on their end, just on your end. They balance you, while they do what's natural and comfortable for them.

After having had crushes on multiple introverts and also having gone on dates with them, I am starting to realize that it's actually proved to be an issue for me.

According to most of the internet, since I am an ENFP, my perfect matches are the INFJ or INTJ.

Personally, I've found myself the most attracted to INTJs, INFJs, INFPs, and ISFPs, out of all the introverts. Therefore, I would say that checks out.

I could also draw the conclusion that, if I wanted to marry someone more similar to me but not too similar, I could just pair with an INFP.

"Why is that a problem then?" You ask. "If you're attracted to introverts, why don't you just go with it? If it's what you like, why does it matter that you're extroverted and they're introverted?"

I'll tell you why it's an issue. I don't need someone to help me be more "quiet." I'm already quiet, way quieter than I'm supposed to be. That's the point.

I've already developed my introverted side. (Gestures to immediate family and a whole slew of other random people including friends and cousins and whatnot.)

I'm an extrovert. Not an introvert.

Because of my past, I often fall into a trap of trying to change myself to fit other people and make them comfortable. My goal is to return to my naturally extroverted self again. That's not going to work in a relationship where the other person is extremely different from me and I get in my head again that I need to change everything about myself to fit them better.

I am done dating people who make me feel like who I am isn't good enough, that I need to be someone else entirely before I'm acceptable. I came to believe that when I was younger, and it's a lie. I want to find people that help me feel like I am lovable and wonderful, just the way I am.

I need to find someone who can help me develop my extroverted self now.

And I don't honestly know if that would be someone who is an introvert.

Thoughts on Introvert/Extrovert Pairings

Let's talk about this now. Do opposites attract? Sure. 

But are opposites compatible?

You can have a great, fulfilling marriage with any personality. You really can. I’m not telling you to stop dating an introvert if it’s working for you. Introverts are awesome!

The principle of nature vs. nurture can play a huge role in this as well. Two opposite personalities may get along amazingly if they were both raised in similar environments, or in environments that taught them to appreciate the other’s qualities. I also hold a firm belief that you can find something to relate to with almost anyone.

But there have been many studies about marriage that show that birds of a feather flock much better.

What you need to know is what you, yourself, actually want in a relationship.

Do you want someone who will go out with you, maybe be more social, or can you accept a quieter life?

Extroverts and introverts have very different needs and stressors. In order for a relationship to work, they would need to be aware of those needs and be able to compromise and communicate. The same thing goes for Sensing/Intuitive pairs and Thinking/Feeling pairs, and also somewhat for Perceiving/Judging pairs.

Makes sense, right? If you’re different people, with different core needs, than you would have to figure out a way to reconcile those differences, right? You would each need to accept the other person’s differences and learn to appreciate them for who they are, rather than try to make them be like you, or try to make yourself be like them.

On the flip side, even if the two of you are the exact same personality, you'll still have disagreements and things to work through. And sometimes people who are extremely similar to you act like a mirror—if you don’t like those those parts and characteristics of you that they reflect, you might get annoyed with them and/or their behavior.

How It Could Work

Of course, there’s no reason that we, as extroverts, can’t find introverts that would love to do things with us. Introverts like to do stuff and have fun too, they just have a different energy source to take into consideration.

(I could totally see a power-couple dynamic if I married an INTJ, though it would be different.)

However, as I said previously, the only way I see it working out with me marrying an introvert is if he were okay with my extroversion. Basically, he would have to do some compromising too. Just as I would sometimes put his needs before mine, he would do the same for me. Sometimes he would be willing to turn up the volume for me, or at least allow me to turn my own volume up.

Some introverts are really drawn to extroverts. They like the feeling of coming out of their cozy, shady woods and running around in the blazing sunshine, maybe it’s sort of a nice change of pace.

This is where people would say opposites attract, although I actually think sometimes those introverts are actually experiencing something similar to extroverts being “in the woods,” except it’s more like “an introvert in an exposed, sunny field” instead.

I would not want to marry an introvert who feels out of place with being an introvert and tries to be loud when they’re not. They would feel more comfortable in the extroverted world, because that’s familiar, but they would still be denying their own needs and true nature. And because I am trying to be an extrovert again, I would not be able to help them act more true to themselves without sacrificing my own extroversion. I would have to tone it down, in order for them to start toning it down for themselves again.

So, basically, the TL;DR version of this is that I would have to find an introvert who is themselves but appreciates extroverts and allows them to be themselves. Considering our differences, that would not necessarily be easy. We’re only human, after all. And if my kids ended up being mostly introverted as well, I would, once again, end up the only lion(ess) in a family of sheepies.

Why It Wouldn’t Work (At Least Not For Me)

Since I am trying to come back to my extroverted self, it may not be the best idea for me, personally, to pursue dating and marriage with an introvert.

If I were to marry an introvert, I would need to discuss my needs and desires as an extrovert thoroughly first—I want to go out with you at least once a week and do something fun together. I will need to get out of the house frequently. I want to host events and parties with our friends at our house. I want our kids to be involved in their interests and with groups who share those interests. I want birthdays and holidays to be big and fun and flashy. I want our doors to be wide open, and for people to feel welcome in our home. I want to travel with you and our kids. I want to be able to chat and spend time together with you frequently. I need to be able to just blare music in our house sometimes. I need to have the freedom to be loud.

Obviously, this may be too much for an introvert. There would likely be some things I would have to compromise on. And as I stated before, I might also feel I couldn't be myself without inconveniencing or exhausting my spouse. I would probably end up needing some extrovert time around the same time he would need to be alone to recharge. Depending on how we build our relationship, he may feel drained by me.

It would be tricky navigating that kind of difference in desires and needs. I would most likely need to find other people who would be willing to do extroverted activities with me, such as going to a crowded market, visiting the mall, or attending dances and parties.

Embracing my extroverted qualities would be harder, since I would be living with an introvert again, just like I did when I was growing up. I would very likely want to tone myself down again to be considerate to my introverted spouse. 

Which would quite frankly suck, since I know now that I could have a different experience!

I see a celebration on the horizon…

Why Extrovert/Extrovert and Introvert/Introvert Pairings Are Better for Some

My parents are both introverts, and so they have similar needs. They don’t have to compromise in that area of things, they are both fine with having alone time if one of them needs it because it charges them either way. They don’t drain each other. They are fine with not going places or canceling social plans, it doesn’t necessarily (at least in general) make them sad to stay home.

They are happy doing quieter activities with just the two of them, like visiting small towns, hiking lesser-known trails, being out (literally) in the woods, and going to calmer events with way less people. My mom is more social than my dad, so she helps him get out, but neither of them argue about the other being too much of a homebody or a party animal.

I could have something like that in my marriage, except extrovert-version. Similar to my parents, we wouldn’t have to compromise in that area, and we also wouldn’t feel like we have to turn our volumes down.

We could chat all the time (loudly) and take breaks if we needed to, but not tire out. We could go out all the time, and I probably wouldn’t need to tell him twice that I want to have friends over or do something big for a birthday or holiday. We could dominate at dances and make people wish they were a power couple like we are. We could always have our doors open and our kids could have lots of friends over. We could do block parties with our neighbors. We could take classes together and serve and help other people.

And we could travel! Man, we could go places. I can just envision it. It would be a blast. We could go to different states and countries, try new food, see new places, learn new languages, swim with turtles, see the northern lights, go on fun car trips or a plane or a cruise, visit our extended families, etc.

Side note: I will say that my introvert family did love to travel too. Road trips with them were fun. We would listen to music, play car games, and talk. We would stop at neat places for lunch (or just to use the bathroom) and get to know the places we drove through more intimately that way. We would meet interesting people sometimes too. I have so many great memories from traveling with my family. I want that for my own future family as well.

Now I want to see what it's like to travel, extrovert style!

My Final Thoughts

From my current experiences, I don’t think I would personally be happy if I were married to an introvert. There are many beloved introverts in my life, but one of the biggest things I look for in a spouse is the ability for us both to be our true, complete selves, without having to be more or less of anything. I don’t think I could demand that an introvert allow me to be loud around the house or talk to them for three hours straight, every day.

Perhaps that might change for me one of these days, who knows? I have a tendency to leave things very open (to a fault at times). I have actually had some introverts who really appreciate my ability to be outgoing and talk to people. Some of them told me I helped increase their own confidence. If I could find an introvert who would be willing to accept me as I am, maybe things could work out.

But I ain't bettin' on it. I'd like me an ENTP instead, please!

Yes, I did my research, and based on my values, personal preferences, and character traits needing development, I think I'd pair best with an ENTP.

...

By the way, what is with the internet completely sidelining Extrovert x Extrovert? It's not a bad ship by any means, and everyone lauds the Introvert x Introvert pairing.

Look, I drew a whole illustration of each pairing with brief witty descriptions just to make a point!

(I'm planning on including original artwork by me at the bottom of my posts so be on the lookout for comics and random drawings and stuff, it's gonna be fun)

Tags: Extroverts, ConceptsTheory