So you’ve discovered you’re an extrovert. Maybe you’ve known it your whole life, maybe you just now realized it. Either way, you probably understand that people are important. Most likely, being with just yourself isn't enough—you want someone to talk to, go out with, or even someone who’s simply there, sharing the moment with you.

Even if you’re an extrovert who doesn’t really like people, everybody needs friends.

But somehow, no matter how hard you try, friendships keep ending. Maybe you ended it, maybe they ended it, or maybe you both ended it. They were toxic, or you did something that hurt them and they just couldn't do the friend thing anymore, or life just happened—one of you moved away, you both just got busy and grew distant, or whatever. No matter the reason, no matter the situation, it comes down to the same, sad conclusion—you're left friendless.

Hopefully (and ideally), you will always have at least some form of social support in your life. For example, while I’ve struggled with having friends, I’ve always had my family to support me. They are my best friends, in a way.

Of course, parents and siblings and even extended family fill a different role than your peers do. In life, you need both.

You need to have friends.

So what do you do when you don’t?

Friends vs. "Friends"

Real quick, I want to talk about what I mean when I'm talking about friends. I don’t mean the willing-to-hang-out-and-eat-pizza kind of friends—those are pretty easy to find, at least most of the time. I'm talking about the kind of friends who know the real, deeper you, and who will support you through the dark times as well as the brighter times.

In our day and age, it seems like friendships are becoming more and more difficult to figure out (to say nothing of dating, gracious).

Who do you call a friend?

What is friendship to you?

Those are questions we all have to answer at some point. Everyone has different standards—some people appear to be content with the more superficial friendships, while others require deeper connection. Some people would like a friend that gives them their full attention constantly, while some are fine with just being together in the same room. Some text frequently, others hardly text at all. Some want friendships where there's sarcasm, teasing, and playful pranks, while some want friendships where there's lots of vulnerability because both people feel safe to be themselves without judgement or ridicule (even what some consider "playful" judgement or ridicule).

I feel like I've had tons of "friends." People I call friends, but inwardly, I don't really feel like they are. People who are fine hanging out sometimes, but who know very little about me or my life. I've had a hard time finding people I can actually call my friends, and I think part of that is my fault, since I struggle with the tendency to keep people at a distance. (Thanks, depression and trust issues.)

I also want to add, this sort of thing isn't just bad for extroverts—it’s bad for introverts too, even though they have different natural preferences and needs. 

With those two things out of the way, I would like to explore how we as extroverts specifically can meet those basic needs for extroverting, when we don’t have very many (or any) friends.

Keep Looking for Your Friends

This is the first thing that probably comes to mind at the beginning of the friend drought.

“I don’t have any friends… so I’ll go out and meet new people!”

We all think like this, it’s our basic lizard brains. I’m hungry, I’ll go find food and eat it. I’m thirsty, I’ll go find water and drink it. I’m tired, I’ll find a place to sleep and sleep it. You get the drift. (Yes, that's what I said. We all need to sleep it sometimes.)

What this friend-instinct pushes us to do is actually a good idea most of the time! As long as you're not jumping around forever from person to person without ever giving anyone a chance to be an actual friend in your life, it's good to keep meeting new people!

It’s not idealistic to envision the friends we want and search for them either. There truly are lots of great people out there. Healthy friendships are real. 

However, it can be very difficult to find our deeply-desired friends sometimes. One big thing about surviving as an extrovert with few or no friends is to keep putting ourselves out there, even when we’ve been slapped real hard in the face with some bad experiences.

So how do you do that? How do you put yourself out there? How do you find friends?

                                                                        
Okay, just do what? 

It can actually be a lot simpler than you might think. First, you gotta go out. As in, leave your house. Go to the store. Go take a class. Attend a seminar. Visit the library or the park. Volunteer. You’re not going to find friends if you don’t go where the people go.

Anyone can tell you this, it’s probably not news to you.

When you’re hungry, you don’t just stop searching for food. (Not that people are food, that was not what I meant to imply.) You look for food until you find it. We all need friends. It won’t kill you immediately if you have no friends, but loneliness can actually shorten your lifespan (I’m no scientist but feel free to dive into that subject a little more if you’re in a side-tangent mood, I’ll still be here when you’re done). 

If your emotional needs aren’t currently being met, you gotta get proactive about meeting them, just like with your physical needs.

Second, after you’ve gone out, you gotta start talking. If you have issues with trusting people, that might be difficult (even if you are extroverted), but it’s important. Initiate. Ask people about themselves and show interest in their lives, but also don’t forget to tell people about who you are too. 

How will you find people that are interested in you if you never share anything about yourself? That’s literally putting yourself out there.

Third, once you’ve found people with whom you have a mutual interest, you gotta keep trying to connect, ESPECIALLY if the other person is not naturally the initiator in friendships (I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating it is when someone refuses to initiate, ever). 

At the start of the friendship, you and the other person will usually have a period where you connect more often and more intensely. You’ll both be super excited to hang out constantly, and you’ll both probably think highly of one another too. That’s natural. But don’t be worried if that intensity fades, that’s natural too. 

You don’t have to maintain that beginning level of intensity forever. Eventually, a healthy growing friendship will start to stabilize and even deepen, and depending on what your friendship styles are, the two of you might only hang out only once every two weeks, or possibly even go for several months without a single text or call if you're both incredibly busy.

With close friends that I want to hang out with more often, I find that once a week hangouts are often a good pace for me. (Then again, I have my family that I talk to when I get home, and I’ll usually talk to them every day, all week.) You might be different. Maybe you'll want to hang out more, or less.

Just like any person, you need friends in your life, so making the effort to find them is extremely important as an extrovert. It’s good practice too, if you’re an extrovert that’s become more subdued and withdrawn, because then, by putting yourself out there, you’re practicing being the opposite.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—there’s a reason that solitary confinement is classified as torture. We’re not meant to be alone as human beings. And don’t you give me sass about living in a secluded cabin somewhere and loving it—you'd probably at least have a phone or computer to read this and that’s cheating. If I take those things away, and all the animals outside (and inside!), you will have no one to talk to and then you will be lonely and promptly change your mind.

Accept and be Open to Change

...said every mediation book ever. This is more general advice that I want to touch on.

Change can be hard for everyone. (Even for the Ne and Se doms!)

Friendships are kind of like planting trees. You go out, you get the saplings and you plant them in the ground, and then you tend to them a ton at first, since they’re still small and fragile. Once they grow bigger roots, they start to sort of take care of themselves. You just prune them and water them every once in a while, when they need it, but otherwise, you can just enjoy them.

However, much like trees, friendships change. They can grow a lot bigger than you thought, even take up your whole yard or completely cover your house in shade, so to speak. (We planted an elderberry bush on the side of our house, and it only took a few years before it was HUGE! I now respectfully refer to it as a tree…)

Friendships also branch out in ways you don't always expect. Maybe you and your pal started out as church friends, writer friends, or even gamer friends, and now maybe you go to concerts together or even work together. If you’re both willing to explore and evolve, you avoid stagnation and your friendship can take you to amazing places you never thought it would. Healthy friendships have lots of growth and change—I would even say that’s one of the reasons why relationships are so important in our lives.

Of course, with both friendships and growing trees, sometimes things go very well, and sometimes they don’t go so well.

Sometimes the tree falls on your house.

Have you ever had a tree in your yard where you had to cut it down because it died and started rotting inside? (or, on a smaller scale, maybe you have an old succulent that perished on your windowsill and you had to throw it out…) Friendships can be like that. Sometimes you might not realize there’s a problem right away. Perhaps things seemed fine at the beginning. Then somehow, maybe you discover what’s happening and find out you have to cut the tree down… 

Or you don’t, and the tree eventually causes some major damage.

When trying to survive as an extrovert while experiencing friend droughts, you have to be open to change. Be open to growth and change as you’re cultivating your good friendships, but also be open to letting the bad friends go. 

It's hard to cut down a friendship tree, especially when it's the only tree you can see for miles around. But it’s better to be without friends than to keep people in your life who are causing you harm.

Don’t Give Up Hope

This one is huge. There might be times where you genuinely believe there are no good friends for you, and you want to give up looking. Truthfully, in certain situations it might be helpful to take a break from trying to find friends, especially if you’re feeling desperate. It’s better not to try to force yourself to be friends with any random person just because you need a friend—there is such a thing as being too open. It can land you in uncomfortable situations and you could end up with the wrong people.

And, if you’re trying to find your way out of the woods, like me, you want people that will support you in being your best, most genuine self overall.

Don’t give up hope. Hold onto it, and know that those people are out there, and that it’s possible for you to find them.

But What if it’s Just You?

Now let’s finally talk about what to do when You’re On You’re Own, Kid. Anyone remember YOYOK? (Or is that just my family that uses that acronym?)

That or you could also say You're On You're Own, Penguin. That becomes YOYOP, which is more fun to say. (I chose penguins to represent this article arbitrarily because they're cute and they make this article less depressing.)

We all have different experiences. I have never been completely alone, as I mentioned I have always had my family, but not everyone has had that, and that’s really hard.

It was bad enough having pretty much only one friend I could hang out with when I was in my teen years (and that wasn’t even that long ago—whew!). It’s extra rough when you're not old enough to drive yourself anywhere. I often had very few options—sometimes it was either hang out with the catty neighborhood girls that I would never actually call my friends, or be stuck in the house all week.  

I guess I could consider that as a downside to my being homeschooled, but at least it was better than being alone at school while surrounded by a bunch of people (similar to how I felt at church).

Unless my parents had something planned, I couldn’t really go anywhere, unless I walked or biked, and I was not one of those very physically active kids. I did it though, I walked to people's houses. I pretty much had to, or I would suffer with an empty extrovert battery.

(Seriously, if you can, at least find a way to get out of the house. A lot of you reading this probably have a driver’s license, so most of you have more options than I did at that time.)

Unfortunately, for all my efforts, most times I ended up with just me. That’s the time when you have to start to be your own best friend and learn how to spend time with yourself.

For those draining times when you are stuck at home alone, here are some things you can do:

1.   Do stuff, stuff that brings you outside your head. There are so many options. Dancing, crafting, cleaning, exercising, organizing, building, decorating, etc. Learn new things, try new things, and limit time on the internet and with screens for the most part if you can—not only will most media suck you right in and attempt to keep you there, it will also zap your creativity, hurt your eyes, and numb your emotions and your mind. You need that unique problem-solving brain of yours if you’re going to figure out how to extrovert without the help of other people! And, unlike what most social media platforms would have you believe, media will not meet your needs for extroversion!
2.  Go outside, and/or spend time with animals. Certain animals can be interacted with more, like birds, cats, or dogs. If you can visit a park, you’ll also often be around people, and even if you’re not interacting with them, that alone can help fill your tank. Just going outside somehow, no matter what it looks like, can be enough to help you get some energy while you’re still looking for friends, even if you’re taking a break from actively searching.
3.  Talk. To the wall if you have to, or to yourself. (Yes, I do indeed talk to myself.) Find someone or something to talk to. If you can find a neighbor or a random stranger that’s willing, great. Otherwise, talk to your cat. Talk to your plushie friend (I have lots of those), or your plant. It’s a helpful way to externalize your thoughts and feelings, and can sometimes actually energize you, even there’s no people physically there for you to talk to. (I always recommend prayer too, God is always happy to connect with us and even though it’s sometimes difficult not feeling a tangible presence, He’s still present!)
4.  Find things that elevate your mood.. You can’t very well go out and make friends if you’re so depressed that you hate life or you can’t get out of bed. Find something that makes you feel something again. Like pizza, for instance. I’m not saying to indulge in unhealthy eating habits (that ultimately will not elevate your mood), I’m saying find something to appreciate about whatever you’re experiencing, such as fuzzy carpet, a refreshing glass of limeade, or the vibrant colors of a sunset.
   
5. Another thing related to elevating your mood—and I know I said limit the media time—watch a wholesome, happy, uplifting, entertaining show. Books are nice too, but they don’t make noises. They are silent. Therefore, they won’t fill the void of an empty, silent house. I find shows to be engaging in a way that’s different than the way books are engaging. Shows have music, voice acting, and all sorts of art, whether they’re live action or animated. There are so many options to choose from as well. (As a lover of animated shows, one I personally recommend is Phineas and Ferb. Very wholesome and hilarious, and there are over 150 episodes… with more on the way hopefully, from what I recently read online.)
6.  Listen to music. Have it on in the background all the time if you want, it gets rid of that ringing silence and makes it seem like there’s some living soul other than you on the planet. Have your own solo karaoke time or blast the music super loud if you’re able (if you’re not, use some headphones/earbuds and turn the volume up). I have a theory that there are some songs that will actually give extroverts an energy boost, but I’m still looking into it. I might make an article about it later.

Now Begin to Live

I want you to do more than just survive. I want you to live. I want you to be happy and confident and courageous and vibrant and free. I hope you can take this and my other articles on here and go do that. I’m still working on it. Let me know if you get out of the woods before I do, maybe I can ask you for some tips!

I admit that I’ve spent much more time looking at screens than I should’ve. It’s not wrong to enjoy playing video games or scrolling through social media, but it really can be detrimental to you if you do it too often and for too long. The world is not inside your computer or your phone or your tablet or even your TV screen. (same goes for books guys, don’t do the whole “there’s a whole world inside a book” thing, you could argue the exact same for your screen-related stuff and it’s still all just escapism that will never replace social interaction which you absolutely need.)

The world is out there, outside your door, beneath the blue sky, surrounded by wind and sunlight.
The real world. That’s where living is.

Our world used to support both extroversion and introversion in harmony and balance. There were villages and communities of people, even some cities too, where we could easily connect with one another and help each other grow and survive. There were lots of quiet places too—secluded forests, secret waterfalls, mountain trails and windy meadows where there was barely anything or anyone to disturb you. You could go there to be alone with your thoughts. There used to be more privacy, more space to exist without someone else knowing all of your business. We used to be able to see the stars in the night sky so clearly. And, I often think to myself, things were much simpler then.

Now our world is different. We have new vocabulary, new slang, new cultural norms, new knowledge, new ways of labeling people (things are always changing). There is less privacy, and it’s harder to disconnect from people naturally. It’s also harder to connect naturally too—we have dating apps and social media apps and fandoms and gaming communities and online D&D campaigns, all part of the interconnected web we call the Internet. A lot of people meet other people online now. Meeting people online is still a bizarre thing to me, which someone else might find strange since I’m technically a Gen Z girl.

But even though our world has shifted now, we can still find ways to live. We can still find ways to connect with others and interact with the world, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be so much simpler than you might think.

So com'on, penguins! Let's get out there and go make us some friends!

Tags: AllExtroverts, AllPosts, Tips